本帖最后由 ヮ成熟、羙° 于 2014-2-14 17:19 编辑
伤害婚姻关系十禁忌
荷叶/译
与自己的恋人，爱人或配偶维系良好的关系并不是件易事。但这也不是不可能的，这当然需要经营，但这份经营一旦有了结果后，非常令人欣慰。
但多数时候，我们做得并不够。我们以错误的观点和态度，妨碍着我们的关系，无论如何努力，都只能破坏我们的关系。
我见过许多次分手，其中一些是我个人的经历。我见过引人注目的突然爆发，也见过旷日持久的逐步瓦解，我努力想发现到底发生了什么。下面是我观察到的导致婚姻破裂的几个因素。
一．总想占上风
美满婚姻的致命杀手之一是好胜心。我的意思不是在网球上你不想输的那种好胜心，而是把恋爱看成一场游戏，你总想赢的那种好胜心。处于竞争关系中的人总想找优势，占上风，压对方一头。如果你觉得有些事不想告诉爱人是怕他以此来对付自己，你就处于一种竞争关系，但这种关系不会持久。
二．不信任对方
婚姻中有两个层面的信任非常重要。第一是充分信任对方，深知他/她不会欺骗你、伤害你，而同时对方也同样信任你。第二是充分相信无论你说什么做什么，他/她都不会离开你或不再爱你。这个层面的信任消失的那一时刻，不论是你们之中哪一个利用了那种信任做了可怕的事情，或认为对方做了，你们的关系也就结束了，即使你们十年以后才分手。
三．不交流
太多的人闭口不谈对方给自己带来的忧烦和气恼，或者因为不想伤害对方，或者因为自己想占上风。例如，如果你不知道我为什么生气，我当然不会告诉你。尽管这在短期可能使关系顺畅，但从长远来看，它在逐渐腐蚀着美好关系的根基。小矛盾逐渐变成大问题，这些问题得不到解决，可能由于你的爱人对此浑然不觉，或者更糟，他们明明知道却认为这并不打扰你。归根结底，保持沉默反映的是缺乏信任，正如我说的，这是婚姻杀手。
四．不倾听
真正意义上的倾听很难。正常情况下，当你听到一点批评时，就开始保护自己，不是听对方说完，而是打断他们，为自己解释或找借口，或者是在心里暗暗给自己准备辩护词。但你值得去积极地倾听爱人的心声。他/她甚至配得上你去琢磨他/她日常交谈的字里行间，弄明白他/她自己可能都不知道的梦想和愿望。如果你不能以这种方式去倾听爱人心声的话，你就有问题了。
五．花起钱来像单身
这个教训是我相处七年婚姻走到尽头才得来的。当我们单身时，想买什么就买什么，想什么时候买就什么时候买，很少去考虑将来。钱花得可能不明智，但承担后果的只有你一个人。当你与一个人长期共处时，这就不再可能了。你的爱人和你的孩子，如果你有或将要有孩子的话，会承受你乱花钱的后果。因此，你最好养成先买必备的家居用品的习惯，如果还有盈余，再和自己的爱人商量最好的使用方法。
近来，这个问题日益突出。因为越来越多的人倾向于财务分开，即使婚后也不例外。这种理财方式本身没有问题，但这需要爱人之间更多的沟通和参与，而不是更少。如果你花起钱来好像这是你自己的事，任何别人无权对你指手划脚，那么你们的关系注定要失败。
六．害怕分手
真正幸福的伴侣是不会惧怕分手的。如果你怕，这就是婚姻出了问题的标志。但问题通常出在惧怕本身上。这不仅表明你缺乏信任，也说明你缺乏自信和自尊。你惧怕别人没有想和你在一起的理由，迟早你的爱人会识破你，离开你。因此你倾注大量的精力去维持表面的和谐，而不是去把自己塑造成一个男子汉。直言不讳地说，你自己将不会对此满意，你爱人也不会满意。
七．依赖对方
维系婚姻关系的相互支持和依赖的丝线很细。如果你依赖对方，即，离开他/她你没法生活，你就把那条线交叠起来了。你的爱人要承担填补你所缺失的那一部分的压力，这种压力他/她会终生憎恶。如果你指望爱人奉献一切而你一点也不奉献的话，我是说金钱方面和情感方面，那你就有麻烦了。（注：我不是讲你需要在家庭财务方面需要同等的贡献，我在讲如果你在财务上不能贡献，在别的方面也不能贡献的话，那就失衡了，这总是不好的。）
八．期待幸福
一方或双方指望使对方幸福，或者指望对方使自己幸福是关系糟糕的一个标志。除了自己，没有人能使你幸福，因此，这是强加给自己或对方的一个不切实际的指望，同时也强加在双方的婚姻关系上。相爱并不总是快乐的，有许多时候你并不快乐，甚至不应该快乐。在自己伤心、痛苦、沮丧、悲伤时，有个人可以依赖，要比自己一直很幸福重要得多。如果你指望爱人使你幸福，或者更糟糕，如果你不能使爱人幸福，便感到沮丧得话，当你们的关系遇到困难时，就不会顺利。
九．从不抗争
偶尔有点良性争吵是有益的。从某种程度上讲，争吵暴露了一些小矛盾，这样，小矛盾就不会发展成大问题，同时，争吵释放了愤怒，这是人类正常情绪的一个完美宣泄方式。你们的关系要稳固到足以维系完整的你，而不只是你阳光的部分，
夫妻不吵架的一个理由是惧怕冲突，这是缺乏信任的表现，其根源是恐惧。这很糟糕。另一个理由是他们知道吵架是不理智的而且徒劳无益。他们认为吵架是关系破裂的表现，而不把它视为关系正常发展的自然的组成部分。尽管吵架并不愉快，但它帮助双方说出可能彼此还没有意识到的已经存在的问题，阻止它继续发酵，达到双方无法回头的那条界线。
十．期待婚姻关系太易或太难
我经常听到关于婚姻关系的两种问题很大的态度。第一是婚姻关系很简单，如果你们彼此真心相爱，并愿意相伴终生，这种关系会水到渠成。第二是值得拥有的任何东西都会很难得到，因此，如果得来不易，那一定值得拥有。
两种态度的结果都是你不去经营自己的婚姻。一个原因是你认为这太容易，根本不需要经营，另一个原因是你认为这很难，如果你去经营，它就不难了。两种情况都会使你迅速陷入焦头烂额的境地，或者由于被你忽略的问题并没如你所愿自行消失，或者由于你们之间逐渐形成的问题在不断地牵扯你的精力。惨淡经营婚姻关系可能是上述态度的一个可怕结果，但不去经营也不见得会好到哪里去。
你的选择
以上问题没有任何确切答案，尽管还是可以做出选择的。你或者寻求一个方法去解决你已经受损的夫妻关系，或者听任你们的关系走向失败，也许是下一个，也许是下下个……夫妻关系失败并不一定意味着分手，许多人没有那么幸运。许多不幸的人在失败的婚姻中生活多年甚至几十年，因为他们惧怕找不到更好的，或者更糟糕，他们认为恐怕这是自己应该得到的报应。你不能做这样的人，如果你正在遭受这些问题之苦，想办法修复，或者去做心理咨询，或者单独去山上休养一段时间，或者和爱人沟通一下，承诺自己做出改变。
附：原文
10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships It’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.
A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it. I’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships. 1. You’re playing to win One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re trying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. If you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long. 2 you don’t trust. There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up. 3. You don’t talk Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that’s the death of a relationship. 4. You don’t listen Listening — really listening — is hard. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. If you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem. 5. You spend like a single person This was a hard lesson for me to learn — until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it. This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed. 6. You’re afraid of breaking up Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. But often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner. 7. You’re dependent There’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and I’m talking finances as well as emotional support, here — you’re in trouble. (Note: I’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what I’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.) 8. You expect Happiness A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. Being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot. 9. You never fight A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff. One reason couples don’t fight is that they fear conflict — which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That’s bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they’ve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They’ve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship’s development. While an argument isn’t pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had — and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can’t come back from. 10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard
There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having. The outcome of both views is that you don’t work at your relationship. You don’t work because it’s supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don’t work because it’s supposed to be hard and it wouldn’t be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out — either because the problems you’re ignoring really don’t go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you’re cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that’s too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn’t seem to need any work isn’t any better. There isn’t any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn’t always mean you break up — many people aren’t that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they’re afraid they won’t find anything better, or worse, they’re afraid they deserve it. Don’t you be one of them — if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change. | 
发表于 2014-2-14 17:06:16
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